The Here in the Now
This blog holds the most exquisite experiences of my life. And I am afraid that I must revisit it again and turn it into something different. My experience today is still quite exquisite, but in a turn your inside out gut splattering all on the floor where sometimes there is desire to pick up pieces or hide pieces or scatter them further from each other.
No one reads this blog. Maybe just maybe someone will with the appropriate tag, but there is something about not just having these words in my lock journal beside my bed. There is something about possibly connecting with one stranger that is questioning or experiencing life. Like we belong to this cosmic blanket that we are all apart of and we help each other. We cry together. Laugh together. Question together. We try to get along and I try to love, although everyday I'm learning what that might mean and feel further from understanding then the day before. I believe selflessness is a key in love, and kindness. And by kindness I mean hoping for the best good for someone.
So this blog for now is for people who are married, or are in the midst of divorce, or who are young or those who are old and much wiser then me. I still hate writing the word divorce. divorce. divorce. I have to get used to it in the same way I keep accidentally saying we instead of I. We live in the mountains. We got the dog at the shelter. We are getting divorce. The truth is at this point he is getting a divorce. Its been 4 months and I still am married, cascading down a worm hole full of things I might never understand.
I will try my best to describe the days and the seasons.
Everyone's experience is unique. I have looked at almost every link about what God thinks of marriage. What does the silent treatment mean. Saving your marriage alone. Letting go of your marriage and blah blah blah. It sounds crazy making, and it is. The info and stories are overwhelming. So many people with similar stories and feelings and advice and hopelessness and rejoicing. I'm amazed at those who power through. I'm not a power through type person, well I kind of am. Like I liked running a marathon. But I'm really a thinker and I'm emotional. To a fault I understand sometimes. But it is my DNA or whatever you want to call it.
So while many people, bless their souls, hold their head up and silently and strenthfully endure, I need to get thoughts arranged on a white square on a screen. I'm hoping it helps. I'm hoping I can move towards being the silently hopeful kind.
I am not a victim. I'm very much responsible for where my life is, the hurt and blessings. And others are responsible too for where my life is, the hurt and blessings. I guess I can say I'm thankful for it although I do believe not all of it is necessary.
So this is going to be a story read backwards I suppose because of the nature of blog posts. It is selfish in the sense that I will be talking about myself. I will do my best to be graceful with other points of views of the actors in this story. Maybe thats a good thing to always do in a life. I'm thinking it will be a goodbye letter, hello letter, wtf letter, and more. Maybe just maybe it will make you feel connected or less crazy. Maybe you will disagree or agree. I'm ok with all of that.
In the book Contemplative Prayer by Thomas Merton, my copy has a wonderful intro and prayer, I'll come back to give credit where it is due, but it goes like this. "May you and I have freedom from anger fear and craving. May you not be the object of my desire but may Christ be the object of my desire. Please water seeds of compassion, love, understanding, forgiveness, and joy. May you be free from disturbance, fear, anxiety and worry and may it be the same for me."
No one reads this blog. Maybe just maybe someone will with the appropriate tag, but there is something about not just having these words in my lock journal beside my bed. There is something about possibly connecting with one stranger that is questioning or experiencing life. Like we belong to this cosmic blanket that we are all apart of and we help each other. We cry together. Laugh together. Question together. We try to get along and I try to love, although everyday I'm learning what that might mean and feel further from understanding then the day before. I believe selflessness is a key in love, and kindness. And by kindness I mean hoping for the best good for someone.
So this blog for now is for people who are married, or are in the midst of divorce, or who are young or those who are old and much wiser then me. I still hate writing the word divorce. divorce. divorce. I have to get used to it in the same way I keep accidentally saying we instead of I. We live in the mountains. We got the dog at the shelter. We are getting divorce. The truth is at this point he is getting a divorce. Its been 4 months and I still am married, cascading down a worm hole full of things I might never understand.
I will try my best to describe the days and the seasons.
Everyone's experience is unique. I have looked at almost every link about what God thinks of marriage. What does the silent treatment mean. Saving your marriage alone. Letting go of your marriage and blah blah blah. It sounds crazy making, and it is. The info and stories are overwhelming. So many people with similar stories and feelings and advice and hopelessness and rejoicing. I'm amazed at those who power through. I'm not a power through type person, well I kind of am. Like I liked running a marathon. But I'm really a thinker and I'm emotional. To a fault I understand sometimes. But it is my DNA or whatever you want to call it.
So while many people, bless their souls, hold their head up and silently and strenthfully endure, I need to get thoughts arranged on a white square on a screen. I'm hoping it helps. I'm hoping I can move towards being the silently hopeful kind.
I am not a victim. I'm very much responsible for where my life is, the hurt and blessings. And others are responsible too for where my life is, the hurt and blessings. I guess I can say I'm thankful for it although I do believe not all of it is necessary.
So this is going to be a story read backwards I suppose because of the nature of blog posts. It is selfish in the sense that I will be talking about myself. I will do my best to be graceful with other points of views of the actors in this story. Maybe thats a good thing to always do in a life. I'm thinking it will be a goodbye letter, hello letter, wtf letter, and more. Maybe just maybe it will make you feel connected or less crazy. Maybe you will disagree or agree. I'm ok with all of that.
In the book Contemplative Prayer by Thomas Merton, my copy has a wonderful intro and prayer, I'll come back to give credit where it is due, but it goes like this. "May you and I have freedom from anger fear and craving. May you not be the object of my desire but may Christ be the object of my desire. Please water seeds of compassion, love, understanding, forgiveness, and joy. May you be free from disturbance, fear, anxiety and worry and may it be the same for me."
Comments
Post a Comment