Its kind of like that look you get when you say I married a drummer.

I saw him when I was 18, turned to my girlfriend and said I’m going to marry that guy. Of course he was a musician a drummer playing in a small band in a community church in Riverside. I never did talk to him. I didn’t think about him for the next 4 years. My intuition was right and 10 years later he would ask my dad to fedex my grandmothers ring with all her skin still in it to Woodstock. He asked me to marry him in front of a small waterfall.

I could talk about that tens years, how we were friends that always pheremonally were attracted to each other. It was undeniable. I wondered why I liked this little david statue of a man who spoke a language of his own, and loved always I mean always being around people. I could talk about how we used to listen and were obsessed with Henri Mancini and would spend hours on my roof top with mojitos and the record player. I could talk about how the band started making real fans and I would travel around with him in vans. I was so proud of him. And I wrote poems about how I thought we were going to explode. I still have one of them displayed. I stamped it on a piece of wood and it sits on the fire place mantel and begins with “maybe we will explode.”

It was fun and I did love him. It was a proper young love although early on I wrote to him this will never work without God as our center. I was scared too. When he asked me to marry him I was scared he wouldn’t love me deeply. I was afraid he would always prefer the company of others. I remember telling him I needed to walk immediately after he asked so I could process my fears and then let them go to say yes I’ll take this risk. I want to take this risk. I want to be your wife and I vow to stick it out no matter what comes. What I believed and respected most about him was his loyalty. I thought that was his best and most genuine quality.

So if you asked me if what came after was worth it 6 months ago I would say of course. If you ask me today I would say I don’t know. Like I said before I don’t know if all the hurt or even excitement is necessary. I think we eventually make things necessary to make sense of them. To formulate how this or that fits into our and others life stories.  We do what we can to minimize the fallouts or maximize the blessings or just simply exist. So maybe not necessary but it all happened, no matter how much at this point I think about this all being a dream I’m going to wake up from.