Of Mice and Marriage

I read an article on an experiment with mice years ago. They got pairs of mice and had them live together. It was an experiment about affection and attachment and depression. The first group of mice, after some time cohabitating, were put in a tank of water. The scientists measured how long the mice fought to live, how long the mice tried to find a way out of their dire situation. The second group they removed the partner mouse from their home let some time pass, and then did the same experiment. Dropped them into the water. The experiment was significant in that the amount of time the latter group fought to live drastically dropped.

Humans and in this case the animal kingdom desire community and friendship and marriage and companionship. This experiment has so much more meaning to me. Never in my life previously, have I lost the will to fight and keep swimming. The other day I was looking out a plane window and I was thinking if I fell out of this plane would I keep my eyes open until I hit the ground or would I close them the whole time or would I do a sort of half and half. I would probably do a half and half but the point was I wasn’t scared of it.

It was the night of February 8^th and I found my husband at our patio table. He was looking down at nothing. He said I’m 50/50 whether or not I want to stay in this marriage. My mom said she would have responded “well let me know when you are 100.” I didn’t though. I just said ok. We talked that night about what a separation would look like. We spoke about many things and it was the first real open and honest conversation in a long time. I felt closer to my husband that night maybe then I ever had. He left for a week long trip New York the next day. We hugged and kissed and said we loved each other at the airport.

I didn’t hear from him for a week. I was camping and contemplating what I wanted. I was coming to the conclusion that I believed in us and believed things needed to change and we weren’t hopeless. I called him the day he was supposed to come home. I was already crying. He answered the phone, said hello, and opened the dialogue with “why are you crying?” I said because I was sad. His response was “you did this. I don’t know what you expected.”

So here at this point starts the worm hole. I listened to a series of words that all led to one conclusion. My vision became tunneled I paced around the yard mostly saying “what” “I don’t understand” “I don’t want this.” “We haven’t tried anything.”  When you read about getting a divorce, it warns about begging and pleading. I commend the person that has the strength and foresight at the moment they hear its too late, its over, to say ok I agree with you. “as you wish”  I do wish I had said “I love you so much and if this is what you want, “as you wish” Like a proper divorce story in the princess bride.

I assume this moment is never feels real for a lot of people, I would never wish it upon anyone. It is true what they say. How life can change in an instant. Even if your the one who does not want to be in your marriage. Every daily activity becomes different in a matter of 15 minutes. I think about this a lot. How in that moment nothing environmentally changed. It still was a beautiful sunny day, our dog was running around the yard, I had a home filled with food and pictures of good memories, I had a capable body and looked the same. Yet some neuro pathway was formed in that exact moment, that even with all those things, my identity was gone. Now of course this isn’t completely true, and all good Christian advice warns about not rooting your identity in Christ and God, or says you don’t need to worry because ultimately your identity is found in God’s love. But what I was experiencing was evidence of the meaning behind becoming one flesh in marriage. In marriage your identity is a part of another human, it strangely and spiritually happens. And in marriage two people vow to guard the marriage because of this, decisions are no longer your own. Although we fail to acknowledge this quite often. That was and is the loss I was feeling. It wasn't going to feel like half of me was gone, it was going to feel like all of me was gone. And healing from that is so much more difficult than a 7 step divorce recovery plan.

I felt panicked and was in denial and shock. I called his family and they tried to slow down my thoughts. But nothing could stop the thought train. Nothing. I had no idea from that day to this very day my thoughts were going to run full speed ahead. I don’t know how long that will last either. It’s exhausting. I have said maybe 100 times between that moment and now, I just wish I could turn off my brain. I’m already a bad candidate for turning off my brain. I was attracted to my husband for his ability to exist in the present and have fun. It was a breath of fresh air for me to not have someone who mulled over things like I did.

"Each divorce is a death of a small civilization." -Pat Conroy