"I just want you both to be happy."

Those first days consisted of bathtubs full of tears. I took a lot of Epson salt baths and cried. I cried harder then I ever had, over and over again. I would hold the tears in during my day job as a substitute teacher, but the minute I got into my car I would cry, and I would cry all the way home. I would ask myself the same question my husband did. “why are you crying?” The way I sobbed seemed ridiculous even to myself. And then I would cry about crying so ridiculously. I didn’t know why it was so hard.

The news of our divorce started trickling in through texts and calls. It seemed like the world knew about my divorce before I did. I guess thinking of my husband, I should have been better prepared that this wouldn’t be a private matter. I would have liked it to be private. I wasn’t prepared to hear my marriage was assuredly over from the contact list in his phone.

“We heard about you guys and are shocked.”  “I just want you both to be happy.” “He called and said not to worry about things changing with us being friends.” “He said you just have irreconcilable differences.” “He doesn’t say one good thing about you or your marriage.” “You just do you.” "You want a man who fights for you." “You should burn all his stuff and go get laid.” “At least he isn’t beating you.” “You need to take care of yourself.” "He thinks you are delusional." "He thinks you are a master manipulator because you have a masters in psychology." “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you?” "He is already dating." “Just let him go.” “I’m so sorry.”

The conversation feed was hard to bare. I was trying to process the reality that this was happening. I just wanted someone to stand up with my hearts belief that marriage isn’t something you just toss away. That there must be hope. I had a belief that God could redeem even the most wretched circumstances. That God intends for marriage to last till death. That my marriage needed to come to this breaking point so I would recognize how I needed to change and how to love my husband better. To reveal my points of selfishness.

I was in awe of how quickly culture and my community accepted divorce. There were a few that immediately said they believed in marriage and told me to fight for it. Which understanding how to fight for your marriage alone is like trying to grab running water. Those few friends have been etched into my heart as genuinely honorable and caring people whose values I appreciate and respect. Even if it wasn’t going to work out, I desperately needed hope in that moment.

I must say though, not to discredit my husband, I believe he was handling things the only way he knew how. When a husband refuses contact and changes his phone number, I don’t blame people for not knowing what to say and for not having hope for our marriage. And I don’t blame myself for questioning all that I was in my marriage. What had made me so repulsive to my husband? These questions I took seriously. 

The divorce blogs encourage people to write letters that you never send and here is what I believed early on…

When I stood and vowed to you that I would be your wife I had no clue what that meant.  I had never been taught and really shown what it meant to be spiritually bound to someone as one flesh.  Maybe I didn't believe it to be real.  It seemed like a vague description. And in the ceremony are all sorts of words found in scripture. What God has joined let no man separate and witnesses are to uphold and encourage the marriage. Through the life of our marriage we went along filling our time apart with adventure and short phone calls. 

I know logically I believed I would always be married to you.  I believed there wasn't anything you could do that would make me leave.  But now you have left and in a since made me leave.  I didn't know that I would feel a sense of obligation to our vows. I didn't know the house would mean less to me once you left.  I never wanted to sacrifice all that I wanted for you until this moment because of who you are. Its as if I wish I had been at this place when I told you I would marry you. I don't know what would have happened if I made you dinner more. Or if I didn't complain when you left clothes beside the bed. If I didn’t comment on your daily task performance. I don't know what would have been different if I prayed for you daily.  

I have prayed for you daily since February 20th. I have prayed for you to be free of anger fear and full of forgiveness and grace.  I have prayed for God to reveal himself to you and for you to desire Gods will for your life. 

I have realized the truth in your words. I am selfish. I don't want to be but I am. I am my parents child. Full of determination and safety nets.

could it be the best?  I know Gods word does call us to stay married.  I’m scared of being robbed of the opportunity to experience grace in our marriage. But I have to respect you.  Not your decision but you. You are doing the only thing you know to do. I assume you believe its right. I wish I could truly hear your reasons. Are you tired? do you hate me? do you not see me as a person anymore? did you ever look at me as something to guard and take care of? Was our marriage real?

If given the opportunity I would guard our marriage. I would demand for us to be alone together more. I would never withhold sex from you. I would try to exhibit why I chose you more. I can't tell you these things because you will feel manipulated and trapped and run as far from me as possible. Its really strange and sad. I don’t want to control you. You are free to go. 

I was not the person my husband confided in anymore. Between us there would be no voice on the other end to help make sense of our marriage. People began telling me how my husband felt, what he was planning on doing, funny stories of his daily life. It is a strange occurance and always is a little nauseating. And then there are those who I assume were afraid to say what he was thinking. People didn't want to hurt my feelings. So I encountered blank stares and “your better off.” "He's not the man for you."

I didn’t want to be better off, I didn’t believe the grass would be greener. I did think I would be happier in the future because no one can function in this state forever. My mother told me to stop crying and to get mad. I tried. Mad feels better than sad. But my boiling point seems non-existent.