This, too, was a gift.

The Uses of Sorrow

Someone I loved once gave me

a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

that this, too, was a gift.

Mary Oliver

At some point through divorce you have to start choosing your own recovery. Towards getting healthy. I think people on the outside whether it is friends or family easily see this and say “focus on you” almost as fast as the day a marriage is over. It was something I knew intrinsically but it was difficult to hear in the beginning. For people who love me, my parents especially, it is hard to watch hurt and pain.

Moving towards my own recovery meant I needed to stop thinking about how my actions and emotions may or may not affect my husband. This meant I needed to rewire the way I thought for the last 7 years. It feels like a betrayal. But I know it is necessary.

We are a culture that seeks happiness. To be happy = a good life. We are a culture of quick fixes. But I love that poem so much. One day, this time, and this road you are on, can possibly be a gift if you work at healing with grace. I will say that fostering an attitude of grace for those in your life that are struggling with what to say or who say too much will help through this process.

I will also say give yourself time to learn how to close this chapter and watch the process. I think, but do not yet know, that letting something as important as your husband/marriage go takes work and time and thought and intention. I have to practice truly believing that if he doesn’t choose “us” that I wish him all the best in his life. Its not just an action as simple as two words. And maybe most people know this. I am just stating this fact because I felt like something was wrong with me because I didn’t want my marriage to end, because it was and is difficult for me to let go. I am learning to be gracious with myself. I am learning to understand that it isn’t simple and just because there are feelings to hold on, it doesn’t mean you can’t work on shutting the door quietly and discretely and honestly and gracefully.

It makes sense to close the door. And I think there is a way to close the door while fostering hope. It takes integrity and self control not to respond to the swirling winds of what is being said about you. It takes belief that even though you feel isolated, people do love you and will eventually see and choose good character, if you commit to fostering good character. It takes forgiveness not only towards your spouse, but towards yourself for making mistakes or feeling foolish for being too vulnerable with the wrong people.

My nephew overheard my sister and I talking. He is 5. When my sister walked out of the room, he said, “Auntie, you know you can’t get mad back at him. Did my mom say that?”  Sometimes the black and white lessons we so readily teach our children are lost as we navigate more years in life. Forgiveness and grace is what helps a person grow. Bitterness and anger will heap burning coals on our souls. I think in my own healing I’m excited to journey into a place that might be lonely but is safe. Safe is what was lacking in my marriage. I am just starting to realize this. Safety is also lacking in friendships as we toss around our interpretations of other peoples vulnerabilities. I strive to be a safe person although I am not a saint at doing this. I am learning more now going through this process how important it is to be a safe person. I also am learning now that there is a time for pruning those who are not safe. My grandfather said once he worried about me because I trusted everyone. He was worried that I would get hurt. There are times when you need to be selfish with your thoughts and let the cards fall where they may. Maybe not build walls but windows.